My Aching Headline 2

Pro Angler to Disabled List With Torn Pole, Hopes to Avoid Tommy Johnboat Surgery.

My Aching Headline

Spell check fails to save New Years Eve party goers from baboon drop.

Wordplay

10 words that sound like they should be the names of diseases:

Golf

Cornucopia

Claptrap

Thesaurus

Gluten

Spank

Gymnasium

Stucco

Filth

Dictation

In The Newspaper

Budget Package Stripped Of Pork, Cost Still Too Big To Calculate

Washington, DC - Senator Grant Hickeys (R-KS) emerged from a Capitol Hill conference today with bad news for his constituents.  “Dinner is most definitely not on us this year.  The provision to give every man, woman and child in America 8 pounds of bacon has been removed from the budget package.  We had the entire Congress working on the bill, adding up the costs, but when we ran out of fingers and toes, something had to give.”  Local reaction was mixed,  “Get the hell off my porch”, said Angie O’Plasty, a retiree in Belton.  Mr. Moo of Olathe believes “there is a bologna in my carburetor.”   A USDA spokesman reminded citizens that government cheese remains available in many areas, and should for some time, since it does not decompose naturally.

Buck Passed

Crawford, TX – Former President George W. Bush expressed his relief today at having “passed the buck” to his successor, Barack Obama.  “You know, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be”, opined the former Commander in Chief in a rare interview. “Two wars, recession, all that stuff.  It’s all his now.  I don’t know what Harry Truman was so afraid of.  It’s not like passing a kidney stone or something.”

Personals

Stinky - Hey, I got rid of the rash.  Bring your jar opener.  Misty

Main Street -  Get off my foot.

Jim – The smell from the storage locker is becoming intolerable.  Call the lodge with the lock combination PLEASE.

If I could fly I would already have your money.  The orangutan was a nice thought though.  Good luck! Crackers

Tall, green and handsome: we shared a malt at the NASA cafeteria, you dropped your laser.  Meet me at Lowes,

Lost dog – It’s been a while now so I don’t really remember what he looks like.  Write to Box 88.

Denise – We dance every day.  We move together in ways I don’t understand, even when distance separates us.  I lead, you lead, step, look, leap, swirl, rest.  Together.  Always together. Sometimes I think I am alone in the darkness, but then you touch me, remind me that we are partners, and that all I am seeing is my own shadow.  Clear or cloudy, warm or cold, fast or slow, we dance.  Reach, touch, breathe, stride, you lead, I lead.  Together.  Always together.

Love, Tim

Today's Top 10: Injury Bugs

Top 10 strangest injuries and ailments that will put Major League Baseball players on the disabled list this year:

10. Heffa Lumps


9.  Check Swing Dribbler


8.  Tommy Jaundice


7.  Wii Knee


6.  Pulled Pork


5.  Unleaded Gas


4.  Magic Jack


3.  Helmet Itch


2.  Liver 'n Onions


1.  Hanging Curveballs

News from Cupertino

FBI, Homeland Security, fire and police units responded today to reports from Apple headquarters of a box of suspicious items.  Several buildings at the campus were evacuated for over an hour.  Employees were allowed to return after investigators determined the contents of the box were not a threat.  A law enforcement source that asked to remain anonymous stated that the box contained three yellow legal pads, two number 2 pencils (one sharpened and one unsharpened), a rotary dial landline telephone, wax paper, and a roll of Super-8mm movie film.  The source stated that police were called after no Apple employees were able to recognize the items.  The owner of the box is still being sought.